PYONGYANG, Prk. – North Korea’s Central News Agency reported yesterday that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea suffered very limited casualties last week when it launched a preemptive strike against its longtime aggressor and nemesis, the United States. On April 9th, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un, who also serves as Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, instructed top military officials from the People’s Ground Force, the People’s Navy, and the People’s Air Force to strike with precision at the heart of “the empire of devils” and to free the American people from the iron chains of capitalism.
The Glorious Leader warned his righteous forces to be weary of the American landscape, saying many cities were governed by “the law of the jungle” and were rampant with crime. However, just moments after the first wave of two million KPA soldiers breached the American imperialists’ feeble defenses and marched their way across the East Coast, American citizens were seen falling to their knees and sobbing uncontrollably at the sight of their North Korean liberators.
Using a wide array of highly advanced weaponry, the distinguished People’s Strategic Rocket Forces reduced Washington, D.C. to ashes in a matter of minutes, leaving the puppet nation’s leaders fleeing for the hills in terror. The few who remained, cowered like sheep in front of the KPA liberators all the while pleading for mercy. Many were granted a full pardon by our Fatherly Leader and are now serving respectable positions within the Worker’s Party of Korea.
This reporter was granted authorization, thanks to our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un, to speak with two Americans who were voluntarily attending a reeducation seminar at FedEx Field in Maryland. John, a thirty-year-old commercial truck driver from Lorton, Virginia said life under communism is much better than he’d ever expected and he felt sick to his stomach for believing the “lies fed to us by these capitalist pigs.” He added, “The North Korean people are the kindest people I’ve ever met.”
Jennifer, a former middle school teacher from Silver Spring, Maryland, spoke briefly with this reporter while taking a short break from memorizing the countless accomplishments and achievements of Kim Il-sung. “Kim Jong-un’s generosity and love transcends time and space,” she proclaimed as tears of joy streamed down her cheeks.
The United States of America, a godless nation run by toothless wolves, was founded in 1776 by a group of Satanists. It has since brought death and despair to all it has touched, creating enemies on all corners of the earth. The world has collectively rejoiced and can rest easy knowing the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea single-handedly put an end to the imperialist regime’s reign. Congratulatory letters and floral baskets addressed to the Supreme Leader are flooding Pyongyang and show no signs of stopping.