Walmart to Burn Thousands of American Flags Following Recall

BENTONVILLE, Ar. – Just days ahead of Fourth of July weekend, the nation’s leading manufacturer of American flags has issued a nationwide product recall after it was discovered that a large portion of its merchandise had come in contact with peanut allergens. “We regret that our inventory was compromised and, from this point forward, we intend to take steps to ensure that all of our products meet industry standards for quality and safety,” said company CEO Bradley Sanderson.

To avoid a potential lawsuit, retailers across the country are scrambling to remove the tainted American flags from their shelves. According to the National Institutes of Health, an estimated 150 to 200 people die each year from peanut related allergies. “I would hate to have one of our valued customers die from anaphylactic shock after coming in contact with one of these flags while celebrating the birth of our great nation,” said Doug Fitzgerald, Director of Sales for Party City, a discount party supply chain.

Rather than take a hit on high shipping costs associated with returning the recalled merchandise, Walmart has decided it will incinerate an estimated four hundred thousand American flags currently being held in its distribution centers. The retail giant has reportedly requisitioned an industrial waste incinerator from the City of Bentonville, where its headquarters is located. Additionally, beginning July 2nd, Walmart locations across the country will liquidate any remaining American flags on-site in supervised “controlled burns.”

In order to make up for a projected loss in revenue ahead of Independence Day, Walmart plans to offer a fifty percent discount on British flags and related merchandise through the holiday weekend. “Without the British, the United States of America, and Walmart for that matter, might never have existed,” said Walmart CFO Jared Sterling. “So it’s only fitting that we honor them this weekend.” Sterling said Walmart headquarters, as well as its retail locations in and around the nation’s capital, will fly the British flag at half mast on July 4th.

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

3 Comments
  1. I hope you never sell another flag after taking our heritage, the one and only Confederate flag off the shelves. You all are turning into communist puppets, and I’ll never step foot in one of your stores again!!!

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