LOS ANGELES, Ca. – During an event in downtown Los Angeles Monday morning, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed he has reached a scientific breakthrough of epic proportions. Mr. Musk, a South African-born Canadian-American, has successfully created the first-ever cybernetic organism: himself.
Speaking from the helipad atop the U.S. Bank Tower, L.A.’s tallest skyscraper, Musk announced to a near speechless audience that he is “the most powerful entity on earth.” Mr. Musk then turned and without warning, leaped off the side of the seventy-three story skyscraper and plunged in a one thousand foot free fall to the street below.
Appearing completely unharmed, Mr. Musk then took off sprinting down West Fifth Street. A nearby Los Angeles police lieutenant enjoying a coffee break in his patrol car clocked Mr. Musk’s speed at just over one hundred and ninety miles per hour. “It was f***ing incredible,” an elated Lieutenant Nicholas Sanchez told The LA Times.
Several hours later, the forty-four year-old Musk made an unannounced appearance at the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington, D.C., where he declared that “all of humanity will kneel to my power” before picking up a D.C. police vehicle and ripping it in half with his bare hands. Believing it to be a terrorist attack, several officers with the Secret Service’s Uniformed Division opened fire on Mr. Musk, but according to one officer’s account, the bullets “bounced off of him like hail on a windshield.”
Mr. Musk later said the entire spectacle was meant to encourage scientific thought and promised he has “no intention of taking over the world” in the immediate future. Speaking at a joint press conference with D.C. mayor Muriel Bowser Monday afternoon, Mr. Musk presented the Metropolitan Police Department with a check for $23,000 to cover the cost of the destroyed police cruiser. “This is just a small token of my gratitude for the good work you people do,” Mr. Musk said.