FORT MEADE, Md. – Having trouble remembering the password for your backup email account? Can’t recall your login details for that unsavory ‘dating’ website you signed up for last August? Well worry no more! Thanks to some tech savvy analysts at the National Security Agency, there’s a new app that keeps track of every username and password you’ve used since the birth of the Internet.
“Here at the NSA, we’re all too familiar with the importance of keeping your personal information safe,” said a senior intelligence analyst who -for the purpose of this article, asked to be identified as ‘Brad.’ Designed using an algorithm similar to that of the NSA’s now defunct meta-data gathering program, the app, known simply as the Disposition Matrix, is launched by making an impression of your thumbprint with your smartphone’s fingerprint sensor.
“It’s that easy,” said ‘Brad,’ who added the Disposition Matrix is only available on devices that utilize fingerprint and retinal recognition software. “The ability to uniquely identify a user is paramount to the app’s functionality,” ‘Brad’ told Real News Right Now. But there must be a catch, right? Nope, not according to ‘Brad.’ In fact, it gets even better: The Disposition Matrix is completely free.
Still not convinced? A recent review by consumer electronics website Cnet.com gave the app five out of five stars with Cnet editor Brian Cooney calling the new app “the finest government program we’ve seen since the Reagan era.” Meanwhile, design and technology blog Gizmodo described the Disposition Matrix’s fluidity as “immaculate in every sense of the word.”
The Disposition Matrix is currently available for download on the iPhone 5s model and above and has a scheduled launch date of January 20th for Google Play, according to a briefing posted on the National Security Agency’s official website.