WASHINGTON, D.C. – Apple CEO Tim Cook has volunteered to attend a three-week ‘reeducation seminar’ at an undisclosed location where he will learn -among other things- “what it means to be an American,” announced John Smith, a CIA officer acting as a liaison to the FBI, during a press briefing in Washington on Wednesday.
“The specific course that Mr. Cook has -on his own accord- asked to attend, focuses on American values and sacrifice, particularly when it comes to freedom and liberty,” John Smith explained. The Apple CEO was not readily available to comment on the matter but the CIA’s liaison officer said Mr. Cook had personally asked him to convey to Apple users and the general public that “everything is okay.”
Tim Cook’s decision to attend the CIA-taught course on American history comes on the heels of a court order directing Apple to ‘unlock’ an iPhone belonging to one of the San Bernardino shooters for the FBI. Mr. Cook, who, according to the FBI, is ‘prone to bouts of self-doubt,’ initially refused to obey the court order. However, John Smith assured reporters Wednesday evening that the Apple CEO will reverse his decision in a public apology which he plans to issue after his successful completion of the seminar.
Meanwhile, Hillary Cumberdale, executive assistant to Mr. Cook at Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, told The Los Angeles Times that “armed agents wearing ski masks” stormed the Apple complex early Wednesday and “forcibly removed Mr. Cook from the premises.” The agents then threw the Apple CEO into the back of an unmarked van and drove off.
“That did not happen,” said John Smith when asked to comment on the alleged incident. The CIA liaison added that Mr. Cook’s assistant suffers from auditory and visual hallucinations stemming from a head trauma she incurred during a DUI-related car accident in 2009.
Following an unsuccessful attempt by Real News Right Now to reach the twenty-eight year-old Ms. Cumberdale for comment, a relative of the California native said she had ‘voluntarily’ checked herself into a psychiatric facility.