WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a new report scheduled for public release this week by the Government Accountability Office, President Obama’s bathroom breaks may have cost U.S. taxpayers just over $4 billion in 2015. Data provided to the GAO by the Obama administration shows that on average, President Barack Obama took 3.5 bathroom breaks a day last year, with each trip to the toilet lasting four minutes or less.
By the GAO’s estimate, the commander-in-chief spent just over eighty-five hours in the bathroom in 2015 alone. “The question on everyone’s mind when they look at a report like this is, ‘What exactly is he doing in there?'” Wondered Republican senator John McCain. The former POW admitted to C-SPAN that he goes to the bathroom about once a day “on a good day.”
Even so, the Arizona senator cited a particularly disturbing quote from the report stating that on October 23rd, the day former secretary of state Hillary Clinton was scheduled to testify before the House Select Committee on Benghazi, President Obama took a record-breaking twenty-one minute bathroom break. “I think it’s very telling,” Senator McCain said.
“The average adult male uses the restroom anywhere from three times a day to once every three days,” said Dr. Deepak Gupta, a senior scatologist at Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore. “Ideally we see about one ounce of stool per every twelve pounds of body weight,” Dr. Gupta explained, continuing, “With that said, President Obama -who weighs about one hundred eighty pounds, should produce about fifteen ounces of solid fecal matter per bowel movement.”
However, Dr. Gupta pointed out that due to unusually high levels of stress associated with the job of running the country, President Obama likely produces well below average stools. “In all probability, the guy is a stool softener addict,” Dr. Gupta told Real News Right Now.
Despite President Obama’s low performance rating in the bathroom, the GAO estimates he still uses an above-average amount of toilet paper and -if he’s a courtesy flusher, as White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest once hinted, he uses at least twice as much water per visit to the men’s room as the average American. This, coupled with the obvious breaks in productivity, has cost taxpayers a whopping $4.1 billion.
“This is simply unacceptable,” Florida senator and GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio told Real News Right Now. “This is the kind of imprudent overzealous spending that I intend to do away with.” Senator Rubio said he and other Republican congressmen -in an effort to save taxpayers “a buck or two,” often wear adult diapers while on Capitol Hill. “It’s uncomfortable but from a moral standpoint, it’s the right thing to do. We as elected officials owe that much to our constituents.”