MANILA, Ph. – Police in Manila conducted more than two hundred raids on Wednesday after Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte announced that pharmacies and drugstores where antihistamine medications such as Benadryl and Claritin are sold have been reclassified as drug havens and their respective owners as drug pushers.
While antihistamines are typically available over the counter and can be used to relieve or prevent hay fever and a plethora of other allergies, they are often used in conjunction with other chemicals to manufacture methamphetamine. “You are supplying the ingredients that are used to poison my streets,” charged Duterte during a press conference on Tuesday. “Get out of my cities or you will be killed.”
Flanked by a contingent of heavily armed police officers, the Philippine president said authorities would not differentiate between those suffering from seasonal allergies and habitual drug users. However, Duterte said that in order to avoid immediate execution at the hands of his national police force, antihistamine users and distributors alike are encouraged to register for “treatment” at their local community centers. In a rare moment of compassion, the president urged his fellow countrymen to sign up, saying, “If you register now, you can spare your family the anguish of finding your bullet-ridden corpse rotting in the street.”
Reeinald, a twenty-eight year-old lieutenant colonel with the Philippine National Police, oversees operations at a drug treatment center located about thirty miles south of Manila. “Here we are cleansing many people of their addictions,” Reeinald explained during a brief tour of the facility. The lieutenant colonel said he had been authorized to provide the Philippine News Agency (PNA) with exclusive access to the center’s “cleansing rooms,” three two-story windowless warehouses – each outfitted with its own state-of-the-art crematorium – where drug users will undergo rehabilitation seminars.
“Because there are so many drug addicts in the Philippines, we are limited to three bullets per addict,” said Reeinald before continuing, “I tell my men, ‘If you cannot kill them with three bullets, you will have to find another way.” Fortunately for Reeinald and his officers, President Duterte is offering a hefty bounty to any law enforcement officer who personally takes the life of an individual caught in the act of buying or selling antihistamines and other drugs. “Strike them down where they stand,” Duterte demanded during recent press conference. “Use a gun or a knife, I don’t care. Burn their homes to the ground and leave them for the dogs.”
President Rodrigo Duterte, who recently likened himself to Adolf Hitler, has come under fire from the United States for his ambitious desire to exterminate an estimated three million drug users by the summer of 2017. “I’ll be happy to slaughter them,” Duterte said, adding that in doing so he will “finish the problem of my country and save the next generation” of Filipinos from the clutches of addiction.