Israel to Resettle 1 Million Palestinians on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch

TEL AVIV, Il. – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu rejected an invitation from France on Monday to take part in a Middle East peace conference held in Paris later this year, saying his country has already made arrangements to relocate more than one million Palestinians to a vacant 700,000 square-mile floating trash vortex known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

“The Palestinian people are rejoicing in the streets. Their suffering has ended and they finally have a place to call their homeland,” Prime Minister Netanyahu proudly told the Jerusalem Post. Netanyahu described the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, which is located roughly 10,398 miles west of the Jordan River in the North Pacific Ocean, as a “tropical paradise untouched by man” where marine life is “abundant” and bountiful.

“Those in the Palestinian Authority whom I have spoken with all agree that this arrangement is the closest we will ever come to the original UN proposal of a two-state solution,” Netanyahu said. The prime minister added that the Israeli navy has already begun making preparations to relocate the first two hundred fifty thousand Palestinians from their homes in the Gaza Strip and West Bank to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

IDF spokesperson Lieutenant Colonel Daniel Baum told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on Tuesday that Israel has no plans to extend its ongoing blockade of the Gaza Strip to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. “You heard it right, Wolf,” proclaimed the charismatic lieutenant colonel. “Palestinians young and old will have the right to own notebooks and writing implements; they’ll be able to enjoy a bag of potato chips, fresh meat, and even chocolate without having to worry about a late night visit from the Shin Bet.”

The historic announcement of a full-scale Palestinian resettlement comes at an opportune time for Israel. The tiny Jewish nation is preparing to generously expand its territory with the addition of 181 new settlements in East Jerusalem. Since annexing the West Bank during the 1967 Arab-Israeli war, Israel has built more than 230 settlements housing nearly half a million Jewish settlers in the occupied Palestinian territory – an initiative the United Nations Security Council has branded a violation of international law.

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

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