NEW YORK, Ny. – The chairman of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change is calling on world leaders to join a global initiative to reduce the earth’s population by up to six percent before 2047. Described as a “realistic alternative” to requiring corporations to decrease their annual emissions, the Global Reduction Pact has the potential to drastically offset the effects of climate change over the next century.
“Don’t worry, we’re not suggesting that every single country will have to meet reduction requirements by conducting mass exterminations,” IPCC chairman Hoesong Lee reassured reporters on Monday. “On the contrary, our recommendation that the vast majority can achieve success through compulsory sterilization.” Lee said after careful deliberation, a panel of U.N. officials has determined that a lottery system is the only fair way to dictate who will be selected for sterilization. “We leave it up to individual countries to determine which of their citizens are eligible for entry into the lottery,” Lee said.
A number of nations including Canada, China, and Russia, have already committed to the Global Reduction Pact. “This is a time for Russians around the world to come together in support of the Motherland,” Russian president Vladimir Putin said on Monday. Russia and about a dozen other countries with populations exceeding one hundred million people – including India, the United States, and Indonesia – will have to bear the brunt of the effort. “Russians are no stranger to self-sacrifice and struggle,” declared Putin. “It is in our blood.”
Meanwhile, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump, who continues to deny the existence of climate change, expressed interest in the agreement, telling Fox News host Sean Hannity that forced sterilizations are an “important step” toward making America great again. “You have people in this country who – quite frankly – should not be allowed to reproduce. I have many friends who are doctors and they all tell me that chemical castration is an excellent method for preventing this sort of thing.” Trump said he is considering using a litmus-style test – rather than a lottery – to determine which Americans will be selected for sterilization.
The U.N. acknowledged that in order to reduce the earth’s population by an estimated 420 million people in time for the proposed thirty-year deadline, poorer countries that lack sufficient means to carry out compulsory sterilizations will have to seek out more archaic methods in an effort to meet their quota. “We encourage creativity,” said Lee, continuing, “After all, this is for the greater good.”