RIGA, Lv. – A groundbreaking report published by a reputable team of scientists in Latvia suggests that staring directly into the sun for just twenty seconds a day can prevent the development of astigmatism, a common eye defect which hinders the retina’s ability to reflect light, causing headaches and blurred vision.
“This will likely be the most significant scientific breakthrough of the twenty-first century,” predicted the project’s lead researcher, Dr. Kenneth Rocco. The fifty-one year-old ophthalmologist, who was banned from practicing medicine in the United States following an unspecified incident in 2002, conducted the study with the help of Dr. Valdis Jansons, a former Latvian State Security official who now serves as headmaster for the country’s largest orphanage.
Under the indirect supervision of Dr. Jansons and his staff, Dr. Rocco has spent the past four years conducting extensive testing and research on more than two dozen handpicked orphans. “I am very close to unlocking the secrets of the eye,” Dr. Rocco told The New England Journal of Medicine. “The eye, as you are well aware, is capable of seeing far more than what our primitive brains can even begin to comprehend.”
In December of 2015, Dr. Rocco’s research yielded a startling discovery. “At that time, I was conducting a critical investigation into the benefits of sunlight,” Dr. Rocco explained. “However, due to an unannounced visit from the Red Cross, I only had six orphans at my disposal. By the grace of God, I was able to make do.” Every day at noon, Dr. Rocco would usher his adolescent test subjects into the orphanage’s dilapidated courtyard. There, he instructed them to stare directly into the center of the sun for sixty seconds.
“I performed these trials for thirty days straight,” said Dr. Rocco, continuing, “At the close of each session, I would examine the orphans’ eyes for signs of trauma.” While half of the test subjects fell victim to permanent blindness as a direct result of Dr. Rocco’s experiments, all six of them tested negative for astigmatism. “I gathered my research and immediately drove to Riga [the capital of Latvia] to present my findings to the Ministry of Health.”
On February 1, 2017, Latvia’s Ministry of Health formally adopted Dr. Kenneth Rocco’s findings and subsequently launched a nationwide initiative to educate the Latvian people on the health benefits of staring directly into the sun. For his part, Dr. Rocco has put his vital research on hold in order to better focus his efforts on spreading awareness about the sun’s benefits. He expects he will receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his research.