Scientists Warn Pink Cows on the Verge of Extinction

VERMON, Vt. – The world’s pink cow population could become extinct as early as 2028 and humans are unsurprisingly to blame, according to a new study conducted by the Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy.

A close cousin of the brown cow, pink cows were first discovered in the 1950’s during the rise of nuclear power. “Pink cows are essentially a byproduct of nuclear energy,” explained Dr. Emmett Brown, the study’s lead researcher. “As nuclear power plants began to pop up in rural areas, you had a sizable population of brown dairy cows that, as a result of prolonged exposure to moderate levels of radiation, mutated into pink cows.”

Unlike brown cows which produce chocolate milk, pink cows are known for producing strawberry milk, a refreshing dairy drink which has enjoyed increasing popularity since its inception in the late fifties. “Strawberry milk consumption is the number one driving force behind the coming extinction of the pink cow population,” charged Dr. Brown, who explained that due to the presence of radiation, the process of extracting strawberry milk from pink cows is typically conducted in a highly controlled environment where the risk of radiation exposure is reduced to a minimum.

Scientists say prolonged exposure to radiation, coupled with rigorous milk extraction methods, has reduced the average lifespan of the pink dairy cow to just under three years. “Whereas brown cows will, on average, produce upwards of three hundred fifty-thousand glasses of chocolate milk in their lifetime, pink cows typically produce less than half that amount,” explained Hershel Greene, a dairy farmer in southern Vermont who was one of the first U.S. farmers to capitalize on the strawberry milk industry.

A strong proponent of nuclear power, Greene told Real News Right Now he began selling strawberry milk to Nestlé in 1975 – two years after the nearby Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Plant became operational. However, since the plant’s closure in December of 2014, Greene said business has taken a hit. “We’re seeing fewer and fewer pink cow births every year,” he said. The solution, according to Greene, is a global proliferation of nuclear power plants. “We as a society need to embrace the benefits of nuclear energy. It is, after all, safer and far more efficient than the alternative,” argued Green. “Otherwise, strawberry milk production as we know it will no longer be sustainable.”

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights… more

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