LOS ANGELES, Ca. – More than 20 million people remained without power on Friday as California continued its rapid descent into anarchy following the state’s decision to begin selling recreational marijuana earlier this week. With more than sixty percent of Los Angeles in various stages of ruin, local and state authorities say they have lost the ability to enforce law and order in large portions of the Golden State.
“This was a horrible decision,” conceded California governor Jerry Brown, who spoke to CNN from within a heavily fortified bunker located somewhere on the outskirts of Sacramento. “Gangs of bloodthirsty stoners are roaming the streets killing and eating everything in their path,” the visibly shaken governor said, adding that he had personally witnessed a group of potheads “stuffing their faces” at a Sacramento area Taco Bell. “There was hot sauce,” Brown stammered, continuing, “I’ve never seen so much hot sauce – it was just everywhere.”
Federal authorities estimate approximately 15 million California residents are currently high on marijuana. Classified as a Schedule 1 drug by the Drug Enforcement Administration, marijuana – or “pot” as it is known on the street – serves as a gateway to harder drugs such as heroin and bath salts. “It begins with overeating and uncontrollable fits of laughter,” explained DEA Special Agent Ryan Wilson. “A typical marijuana user lasts about a week before descending into madness and will often resort to rape, murder, and, in some cases, acts of terrorism in order to score his next fix.”
As of Friday afternoon, elements of the California Army National Guard, including the 79th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, were engaged in brutal and unrelenting urban warfare with thousands of crazed marijuana addicts on the streets of Los Angeles. “We’re fighting house-to-house, street-to-street,” said Army Staff Sergeant Enrique Gomez. “It’s worse than anything I encountered during my three tours in Iraq.” Gomez described the junkie insurgency as “loosely organized,” saying many potheads have turned on each other -seemingly out of desperation. “My squad and I observed six of them fight each other to the death over a bag of Cheetos,” the staff sergeant said.
In a last-ditch effort to “return to the rule of law,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Wednesday ordered the Department of Justice to rescind several Obama-era memos designed to relax the enforcement of federal marijuana laws. “We cannot afford to lose another state to the junkie horde,” charged Sessions in an emotional statement released by the DOJ. “The biggest and most imminent threat to our nation’s national security is not gun violence; it’s not the Islamic State; it’s not this so-called climate change. It is marijuana and it must be eradicated.”