WASHINGTON, D.C. – A former government contractor who oversaw interrogations for the Central Intelligence Agency in the months and years following the September 11, 2001, terror attacks in New York and Washington, says Jesus Christ has been held at a CIA black site for nearly two decades as part of a secretive effort by the United States and its allies to postpone Armageddon.
The contractor, who testified in a closed-door session before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence last week, said that Jesus Christ, who many believe to be the Son of God, was detained in northern Afghanistan by U.S. special forces in the spring of 2002 after having been mistaken for an al Qaeda operative. “What he was doing in Afghanistan at that point in time – we have no idea,” Senator Roy Blunt (R-Mo) told The Washington Examiner. “One has to hope he was on his way to Jerusalem.”
While an estimated 2.2 billion people around the world follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, CIA interrogators were reportedly unaware that the man whom they believed to be intimately involved in planning future attacks against the United States had actually died for their sins more than two thousand years ago. “It wasn’t until late 2005 that Christ chose to reveal himself to his interrogators,” Blunt told the Examiner, adding that several current and former CIA operatives witnessed Jesus turn water into wine during an intense sixteen-hour waterboarding session.
According to testimony gathered by the Senate Intelligence Committee, CIA officers later received orders from the Bush administration to extract information from Christ regarding the location of the Battle of Armageddon and the identity of the antichrist. When modern enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding proved ineffective, the CIA began using more “antiquated methods” such as scourging and elevated spread-arm stress positions. “Being that Christ is not of this world, we have determined that he is not protected by the Geneva Conventions,” wrote then-CIA director Porter Goss in a letter to President George W. Bush.
Despite the implications surrounding Christ’s untimely return to earth, the United States has no immediate plans to release him from CIA custody. “We’re talking about one of the longest held detainees in the War on Terror,” Florida senator Marco Rubio told Real News Right Now. “But the consensus – not just here in America but in most of the Western World – is that it’s just not time [for the Second Coming],” Senator Rubio said, adding, “We still have so much to do.”