NORFOLK, Va. – The world’s largest animal rights organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is calling on supporters to take part in an upcoming September raid on the Nevada-based U.S. Air Force testing site commonly known as Area 51 in an effort to free “tens if not hundreds” of extraterrestrial beings who have been held in captivity since the 1950s, a spokesperson for PETA announced on Monday.
“Assuming these life forms possess a nervous system and feed on organic matter, they are, by definition, animals,” PETA spokesperson Rita Byrne explained during a press briefing at the organization’s headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia. “Regardless of their planet of origin, they deserve the same level of compassion and care as other more prominent species such as dogs, cats, mice, or primates.”
In an email sent to its North American members on Sunday, PETA called on supporters to contact their elected officials and demand an immediate halt to the government’s “secretive and inhumane testing practices levied against these defenseless extraterrestrial beings.” PETA spokesperson Rita Byrne said the organization has reached out to the creators of the Facebook event “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us” in an effort to “combine forces and formulate a sound strategy” to gain entry into the heavily guarded Air Force installation.
A tentative approach proposed on July 5 by Facebook group member Jackson Barnes calls for a three-pronged assault on the compound with the front line consisting of thousands of men named Kyle who, with the help of psychedelic mushrooms and Monster Energy drinks, are charged with forming an “impenetrable wall” meant to shield the remaining two groups from incoming fire. From there, Barnes proposes sending in three companies of Rock Throwers whose primary objective is to incapacitate Area 51’s security forces while two battalions of Naruto Runners –individuals capable of outrunning a speeding bullet– swarm the base.
PETA officials on Monday called Barnes’ plan a “formidable proposal,” but said the animal rights group hopes to convince the Kyles, Rock Throwers, and Naruto Runners to “embrace the greater good” and effectively serve as human shields while a PETA-trained and funded commando unit infiltrates Area 51 and liberates its extraterrestrial captives. “We understand the group’s fascination and desire to ‘see them aliens,” the spokesperson acknowledged, adding, “However, PETA’s intention is to free them aliens.”