VATICAN CITY – Speaking to millions of jubilant worshipers during a live-streamed Mass at the Vatican’s Casa Santa Marta on Sunday, Pope Francis called upon Europeans to join together in unity, saying the European Union’s twenty-seven nations must come together “in a spirit of harmony and of collaboration” to combat the coronavirus pandemic.
However, in his midday address at the Apostolic Palace, the pope suggested the need for collaboration among the EU’s member states may not be as pressing a matter as he let on during his homily just hours before. Instead, Pope Francis spoke of a “strong possibility” that life as we know it ended “in the blink of an eye” some time in late November of 2019.
The Holy See Press Office was quick to defend the pope’s controversial statements on the Fifth Sunday of Easter, with spokesperson Matteo Bruni telling reporters that Vatican officials have been working closely with NASA, the World Health Organization, and [REDACTED] to determine exactly what led to last year’s extinction of all life on earth. “The working theory is a large asteroid roughly four times the size of the sun obliterated the planet,” Mr. Bruni explained before adding, “It’s entirely possible that it happened and we didn’t know.”
While the Vatican has stopped short of admitting that our new reality is in fact Hell, Pope Francis concluded his midday address on Sunday by asking Christians around the world to “consider the timely emergence of the 5G network and the murder wasp” amidst the backdrop of a global health crisis, and recalled that “the bible does not explicitly state that God’s gift of eternal life is good.”
Still, Vatican officials expressed confidence in the ongoing operation to determine the precise source of Earth’s abrupt demise. “We’ll get to the bottom of this,” a senior Vatican official who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak to the press told Real News Right Now. “We have sources in high places,” the official revealed, quickly backtracking. “At least we did. We still do – I’m sure of it.”