RNC: Presidential Nomination to Be Announced Following Televised Jungle-Based Deathmatch

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, announced today that due to the ever-increasing number of Republican presidential candidates vying for the 2016 nomination, the RNC will host a deathmatch in the jungles of Venezuela to determine which candidate will be nominated to represent Republicans in the race to the White House.

“Talk is cheap,” Priebus said during a press conference in Washington today. “We have a lot of candidates who have a lot to say. But what we need is a strong candidate who can act.” Priebus said Republican candidates will be flown to an undisclosed location in the Venezuelan jungle on board a Boeing C-17 transport aircraft. Once on the ground, each candidate will be given a backpack containing basic survival gear, a combat knife, and twenty-four hours to immerse themselves in the dense jungle.

“Candidates will be outfitted with a heart-rate monitor and GPS transponder, allowing us to keep track of their location and status at all times,” Priebus said. In addition, The Fox News Channel will broadcast the entire deathmatch, commercial free, on live television. Anchors Bill O’Reilly and Ainsley Earhardt will narrate the event, with Geraldo Rivera providing guest commentary.

According to Priebus, following the end of the twenty-four hour immersion period, candidates will begin hunting one another using their combat knives to perform the first kill. “This is what we’re calling the Initiation Phase,” Priebus said. “After that things get abit easier and a lot more exciting.”

Once a Republican candidate performs his first kill, he or she will receive a “rewards package” airdropped to their location by an unmanned drone. Each package is selected at random before it is deployed and contains a single item provided by one of nineteen American defense contractors, such as Lockheed Martin and Smith & Wesson, who are sponsoring the deathmatch. “Candidates will use a variety of tools from tactical rifles to shoulder-fired rocket launchers to prove their worth to American voters,” Priebus said.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Hillary Clinton told supporters during a campaign event in Detroit today. The Democratic presidential hopeful said she’s rooting for Rick Perry after having watched “the way he handled a weapon along the Texas-Mexico border.”

The RNC’s deathmatch will be held two weeks before the Republican National Convention, which is scheduled for the week of July 18th at the the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, and will be broadcast live in twenty-six nations including the United States.

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

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