SpaceX CEO Elon Musk Reveals He is 96% Cyborg

LOS ANGELES, Ca. – During an event in downtown Los Angeles Monday morning, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed he has reached a scientific breakthrough of epic proportions. Mr. Musk, a South African-born Canadian-American, has successfully created the first-ever cybernetic organism: himself.

Speaking from the helipad atop the U.S. Bank Tower, L.A.’s tallest skyscraper, Musk announced to a near speechless audience that he is “the most powerful entity on earth.” Mr. Musk then turned and without warning, leaped off the side of the seventy-three story skyscraper and plunged in a one thousand foot free fall to the street below.

Appearing completely unharmed, Mr. Musk then took off sprinting down West Fifth Street. A nearby Los Angeles police lieutenant enjoying a coffee break in his patrol car clocked Mr. Musk’s speed at just over one hundred and ninety miles per hour. “It was f***ing incredible,” an elated Lieutenant Nicholas Sanchez told The LA Times.

Several hours later, the forty-four year-old Musk made an unannounced appearance at the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington, D.C., where he declared that “all of humanity will kneel to my power” before picking up a D.C. police vehicle and ripping it in half with his bare hands. Believing it to be a terrorist attack, several officers with the Secret Service’s Uniformed Division opened fire on Mr. Musk, but according to one officer’s account, the bullets “bounced off of him like hail on a windshield.”

Mr. Musk later said the entire spectacle was meant to encourage scientific thought and promised he has “no intention of taking over the world” in the immediate future. Speaking at a joint press conference with D.C. mayor Muriel Bowser Monday afternoon, Mr. Musk presented the Metropolitan Police Department with a check for $23,000 to cover the cost of the destroyed police cruiser. “This is just a small token of my gratitude for the good work you people do,” Mr. Musk said.

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

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