KALAMAZOO, Mi. – The sustainable agricultural and agrochemical company Monsanto has purchased a public school district in Kalamazoo, Michigan, for $65.7 million, a spokesperson for the company announced during a press conference at Monsanto’s corporate headquarters in St. Louis this week.
Dr. Hanz-Friedrich Goebbels, an Austrian-born biochemist and former warden at a high-security psychiatric facility in eastern Germany, has been appointed by Monsanto to serve as the Kalamazoo school district’s superintendent. Dr. Goebbels spoke to reporters inside the gymnasium at Woods Lake Elementary School Thursday afternoon, saying, “The pupils shall continue their studies as planned. I expect everything will run smoothly and efficiently.”
Dr. Goebbels said children and parents alike will notice “no change at all” in regards to the Kalamazoo district’s curriculum and administrative operations. “I will continue to employ the present instructors as to not distract the pupils from their studies,” Dr. Goebbels explained, adding that Monsanto employees will replace the existing cafeteria staff at all twenty-six schools in the Kalamazoo district.
In addition, Monsanto plans to launch what it calls a “Comprehensive Revitalization of Food Consumption in the Academic Setting.” Coined by Dr. Goebbels, the program is a two-phase initiative that begins with the immediate liquidation of all consumables deemed “undesirable” by Monsanto from the school district’s cafeterias. “Such filth is not fit for consumption by even the most vile of earth’s creatures,” Dr. Goebbels said as he spat on the floor in disgust during a tour of Woods Lake Elementary School’s cafeteria.
The second phase of Monsanto’s cafeteria overhaul will begin with the roll-out of a “reinvigorated” breakfast and lunch menu that seeks to “further optimize student productivity.” Consisting entirely of Monsanto-produced foods, the new menu will become available to Kalamazoo students on April 11th following the conclusion of the 2016 Spring Break.
Monsanto has seemingly gone out of its way to ensure that students are exposed to higher standard of eating as it presents a variety nutritious meal options. The company has even gone as far as rerouting each school’s water supply so that students and faculty alike “are able to enjoy the nutrient-rich waters” from Monsanto’s privately owned reservoir rather than from the city of Kalamazoo.
According to an updated edition of the Kalamazoo Public School System Student Handbook provided to members of the press by Dr. Goebbels, students are forbidden from bringing outside food onto school property. “Students who are found to be in violation of this rule will face harsh disciplinary measures,” Dr. Goebbels warned. “They will become ostracized by their peers and banished from their respective social circles.”
However, Dr. Goebbels stressed the importance of a well-structured learning environment. “The pupils require the strictest of regimens if they are to succeed,” the doctor said, adding that Monsanto will provide all meals, textbooks, and school supplies to students free of charge. “The only requirement being that all pupils are to submit to a monthly blood test,” said Dr. Frauline Braun, whom Goebbels has appointed to oversee the Kalamazoo district’s student health services.
Mrs. Braun, a German Argentine with an extensive background in agricultural engineering, will also teach an AP level history course in the fall of 2016 titled “How Traditional Farming Contributed to the Collapse of the Roman Empire.”