WASHINGTON, D.C. – Millions of jubilant Americans poured into the streets in celebration on Saturday after former president Barack Obama took an abrupt break from writing his memoirs to valiantly reclaim his position as the 44th President of the United States in an awe-inspiring bloodless coup supported by strategic elements of the U.S. military.
Shortly after 9 a.m. EST, a massive column of M1 Abrams battle tanks and armored personnel carriers escorted by a squadron of U.S. Army attack helicopters rumbled down Pennsylvania Avenue towards the White House. Perched atop the turret of the lead battle tank, President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, and their two wonderful children, Malia and Sasha, smiled radiantly as they waved and tossed candy into the eager hands of thousands of ecstatic Americans who lined the streets of Washington, D.C.
“We were greeted as liberators,” First Lieutenant Justin Hawthorne, a U.S. Army tank commander, told The Washington Post. “These people have had to endure seventy-four agonizing days under the Trump regime – and more than a few told me they felt like strangers in their own country.” First Lieutenant Hawthorne was one of some fifty American soldiers who stormed the White House alongside the 44th President of the United States.
Army commanders later credited the coup’s overall success with the fact that it was executed on a weekend when the White House was mostly empty, save for Trump’s top adviser Stephen K. Bannon, who was taken down by U.S. Army Rangers while trying to activate an “unknown device” using a series of pulleys and switches. “We still don’t know what it was,” General Robert B. Abrams told reporters on Saturday. “Our best guess is some sort of doomsday device.”
A senior White House official left over from Mr. Obama’s previous administration who spoke to Real News Right Now on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak to the press, gave credit to the U.S. Secret Service for their role in the peaceful transfer of power. “Initially, they weren’t on board; they didn’t want to have anything to do with a coup,” the official admitted. “But after spending some time with Trump – well, let’s just say they’ve been begging us to do this for months.”
In keeping with his weekly tradition, Mr. Trump was not in Washington on Saturday but was instead relaxing at his billion dollar Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida, after an arduous four-day work week. Fifty-five year-old Sean Hannity, who works part-time as Mr. Trump’s caddy and ball washer, told Fox News that the former reality TV star was practicing his golf swing when two UH-60 Blackhawk helicopters carrying a contingent of U.S. Navy SEALs touched down on the fairway. “I remember thinking to myself, ‘This must’ve been how Hillary felt in Bosnia,” the visibly shaken Hannity later recalled.
Moments after his arrest at Mar-a-Lago, Mr. Trump was tried and convicted of treason for attempting to interfere with the 2016 presidential election by colluding with a foreign entity. He has since been transferred to an undisclosed location. Meanwhile, Former First Lady Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner managed to escape arrest early Saturday morning. The pair was spotted at Dulles International Airport as they boarded a private jet bound for the Russian port city of Vladivostok, according to a statement released by the FBI.
Hours after the coup, a member of the White House cleaning staff encountered former Press Secretary Sean Spicer conducting a press conference in the White House Briefing Room with a handful of reporters from conservative news outlets. “The poor guy had no idea the coup had even happened; he was in there rambling on about some new health care bill,” the worker told The Washington Times, adding, “They just forgot about him, I guess.”