Scientists Warn Pink Cows on the Verge of Extinction

VERMON, Vt. – The world’s pink cow population could become extinct as early as 2028 and humans are unsurprisingly to blame, according to a new study conducted by the Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy.

A close cousin of the brown cow, pink cows were first discovered in the 1950’s during the rise of nuclear power. “Pink cows are essentially a byproduct of nuclear energy,” explained Dr. Emmett Brown, the study’s lead researcher. “As nuclear power plants began to pop up in rural areas, you had a sizable population of brown dairy cows that, as a result of prolonged exposure to moderate levels of radiation, mutated into pink cows.”

Unlike brown cows which produce chocolate milk, pink cows are known for producing strawberry milk, a refreshing dairy drink which has enjoyed increasing popularity since its inception in the late fifties. “Strawberry milk consumption is the number one driving force behind the coming extinction of the pink cow population,” charged Dr. Brown, who explained that due to the presence of radiation, the process of extracting strawberry milk from pink cows is typically conducted in a highly controlled environment where the risk of radiation exposure is reduced to a minimum.

Scientists say prolonged exposure to radiation, coupled with rigorous milk extraction methods, has reduced the average lifespan of the pink dairy cow to just under three years. “Whereas brown cows will, on average, produce upwards of three hundred fifty-thousand glasses of chocolate milk in their lifetime, pink cows typically produce less than half that amount,” explained Hershel Greene, a dairy farmer in southern Vermont who was one of the first U.S. farmers to capitalize on the strawberry milk industry.

A strong proponent of nuclear power, Greene told Real News Right Now he began selling strawberry milk to Nestlé in 1975 – two years after the nearby Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Plant became operational. However, since the plant’s closure in December of 2014, Greene said business has taken a hit. “We’re seeing fewer and fewer pink cow births every year,” he said. The solution, according to Greene, is a global proliferation of nuclear power plants. “We as a society need to embrace the benefits of nuclear energy. It is, after all, safer and far more efficient than the alternative,” argued Green. “Otherwise, strawberry milk production as we know it will no longer be sustainable.”

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

  1. Fake! Brown cows do not produce choclet milk. And pink cows defenatily do not exist, let alone purduce strawberry milk. The athour of this artical was obviously trying to find a sneaky way to support nuclear power.

    1. First, the author know this is silly and stupid. It is a joke website. I read this article to my American teacher and he started laughing uncontrollably. This comment section is very stupid

  2. Oh man, what if this was publish as an april fools joke? XD But seriously don’t lie to your readers about that. Chocolate milk does not come from brown cows, and the photo was obviously photoshopped. Though nuclear energy is a heated topic, and many people want to find whatever they can to support it, lying to your viewers is not supporting that topic right. Instead of just making up stuff, go do some actual research on nuclear energy, choose the right facts to support it, and write an argumentative essay. If you somehow can’t do that why are you still a journalist. Be a writer instead.

  3. This is outrages, if we run out of strawberry milk. What is next???? Sooon we will run out of air and high quality H20.This is a world delema, i reckon we need to get onto a space ship and fly to Wukanda and leave this cruel world behind.



  6. Anybody that actually has some kind of sense or has ever milked a cow would know that the only time some sort of “strawberry milk” comes out of a cow is when they have really bloody milk.

  7. you people are stupid( in a way) Brown cows do not produce chocolate milk, and pink cows do not produce strawberry milk. They all make the same milk, white milk, you guys are just making the world dumber than what it already is. After the milk comes from the cows it is taking to a factory to be disinfected and then they put the artificial flavoring in there.

  8. I’ve always wanted to meet Dr. Emmett Brown!!! Maybe we could all go back to somewhere in the mid 1950’s to see a pink cow!!! This is sooooooooo real!!! Believe me. I am a pink cow!!!

  9. I just watched Chernoble and realize now they wasted an excellent opportunity for a variety of milks by shooting all the domestic animals in vicinity of the plant. Why do you think that old farm lady didn’t want to leave? She was sitting on a gold mine!!! Oh well, opportunity wasted. Perhaps we could use outdated X-ray equipment on the livestock since everything has gone digital to supplement the loss due to ever decreasing nuclear plants. Or maybe pasture the cows near a solar energy array so we could produce Creamsicle milk?

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