California in Ruins After Legalizing Recreational Marijuana, National Guard Deployed

LOS ANGELES, Ca. – More than 20 million people remained without power on Friday as California continued its rapid descent into anarchy following the state’s decision to begin selling recreational marijuana earlier this week. With more than sixty percent of Los Angeles in various stages of ruin, local and state authorities say they have lost the ability to enforce law and order in large portions of the Golden State.

“This was a horrible decision,” conceded California governor Jerry Brown, who spoke to CNN from within a heavily fortified bunker located somewhere on the outskirts of Sacramento. “Gangs of bloodthirsty stoners are roaming the streets killing and eating everything in their path,” the visibly shaken governor said, adding that he had personally witnessed a group of potheads “stuffing their faces” at a Sacramento area Taco Bell. “There was hot sauce,” Brown stammered, continuing, “I’ve never seen so much hot sauce – it was just everywhere.”

Federal authorities estimate approximately 15 million California residents are currently high on marijuana. Classified as a Schedule 1 drug by the Drug Enforcement Administration, marijuana – or “pot” as it is known on the street – serves as a gateway to harder drugs such as heroin and bath salts. “It begins with overeating and uncontrollable fits of laughter,” explained DEA Special Agent Ryan Wilson. “A typical marijuana user lasts about a week before descending into madness and will often resort to rape, murder, and, in some cases, acts of terrorism in order to score his next fix.”

As of Friday afternoon, elements of the California Army National Guard, including the 79th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, were engaged in brutal and unrelenting urban warfare with thousands of crazed marijuana addicts on the streets of Los Angeles. “We’re fighting house-to-house, street-to-street,” said Army Staff Sergeant Enrique Gomez. “It’s worse than anything I encountered during my three tours in Iraq.” Gomez described the junkie insurgency as “loosely organized,” saying many potheads have turned on each other -seemingly out of desperation. “My squad and I observed six of them fight each other to the death over a bag of Cheetos,” the staff sergeant said.

In a last-ditch effort to “return to the rule of law,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Wednesday ordered the Department of Justice to rescind several Obama-era memos designed to relax the enforcement of federal marijuana laws. “We cannot afford to lose another state to the junkie horde,” charged Sessions in an emotional statement released by the DOJ. “The biggest and most imminent threat to our nation’s national security is not gun violence; it’s not the Islamic State; it’s not this so-called climate change. It is marijuana and it must be eradicated.”

R. Hobbus J.D.

Investigative Journalist

R. Hobbus J.D. is an internationally acclaimed independent investigative journalist specializing in international politics, health, business, science, conflict resolution, history, geography, mathematics, social issues, feminism, space travel, civil rights, human rights... more

  1. I think your Hi,,”fight each other to death over a bag of Cheetos”!!!,,,”hot sauce everywhere”??? Sounds like a corny movie,,,,Crazed Potheads!!! What kind of Weed does Cali have? Cause it definitely does not go down like that in Colorado!!!

  2. I think this is very overexaggerated. Ive been a smoker since 1982. Ive quit every six months smoked for six months and even quit for 5 years. So the notion that marijuana is an addictive drug is false. There is a very mild withdrawal from use is usually gone within 24 hrs. Whats this (getting the next fix)? This rioting is obviously not from marijuana perhaps they were on other drugs or alcohol. Marijuana works on the pleasure centres of your brain. Creating a more beautiful outlook on everything. You look more at your surroundings. You notice things that when you were straight you wouldn’t have given a glance. It relaxes you, sometime to the point that you dont want to even do anything but lay back and relax. There is no way that these people were smoking marijuana. Think they need to do there homework and stop making false allegations about the softest drugs in the world and start looking at what pharmaceutic drugs are doing and the number one alcohol. How many millions of people suffer from alchoholics. Millions upon millions world wide. I am a victim of alcoholic parents and I know how it not only affects me but my children as well.
    Just food for though!!

  3. I don’t know where these people with comments live but they’ve obviously never been to California. I’ve managed to live for several weeks under the new rules and have personally killed three over a bag of chocolate cookies. Its cookies and snack foods that should be banned!

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