WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a last ditch effort to save an ailing economy ravaged by unemployed American workers and undocumented immigrants, congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle came together on Wednesday in an emergency bid to address a growing crisis which lawmakers are calling the “unemployment question.”
“Up until a few days ago the economy was doing extremely well under President Trump’s leadership,” Senator Richard Burr (R-NC) told The National Review. “It’s high time congress considers applying nineteenth-century solutions to twenty-first century problems.” Burr, who recently sold stock in a hotel company in order to invest in a thousand-acre North Carolina tobacco farm, introduced legislation aimed at repealing the Thirteenth Amendment as part of a legislative ‘Hail Mary’ meant to prevent the nation from “plunging headfirst into an economic abyss.”
“We have constituents who aren’t going to work because of some CIA-made Chinese bat flu and the result is the economy is crumbling right before our very eyes,” Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) told Real News Right Now’s award-winning investigative journalist R. Hobbus, J.D. When pressed on the issue, Senator Paul reluctantly admitted that despite testing positive for COVID-19, his decision to remain in Washington was largely due to an “overwhelming desire” to avoid his next door neighbor.
At the very least, Senator Rand Paul hopes Democrats will agree to a proposed constitutional amendment allowing the federal government to enact a nationwide feudal labor system in times of national crisis. An aspiring tobacco planter, Senator Paul said he recently joined forces with Senator Richard Burr (R-N.C.) after a receiving a “hot tip about some choice real estate” from fellow Carolina senator Lindsey Graham. A self-proclaimed Trump enthusiast and collector of Trump memorabilia, Graham offered to lease the senators five thousand able-bodied men and women for “pennies on the dollar.”
Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) argued corporations are bearing the brunt of the coronavirus pandemic’s economic fallout. “An unfortunate consequence of the labor movement is that we now have a class of citizens in this country who would rather stay home and watch daytime talk-shows than perform their civic duty to uphold the United States economy,” Senator McConnell told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on Tuesday.
“It makes me sick to my stomach, Senator,” Mr. Hannity declared before spitting on the floor in disgust. “Now listen here, Sean,” Senator McConnell said, placing a comforting hand on the shoulder of the most-watched cable news personality in modern television history. “We had quite possibly the greatest economic prosperity this country has seen since the period leading up to the War of Northern Aggression.” Mr. Hannity nodded silently before wiping the sweat from his brow and staring directly into the camera.
During Tuesday’s installment of the White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing, President Donald J. Trump described the US economy as a “financial baby Jesus” which only he can resurrect. The president told the American people he plans to “perform a brilliant resurrection” on Easter Sunday during a nationally televised ceremony on the White House lawn. Before turning questions over to Vice President Mike Pence, Mr. Trump announced that in lieu of this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll, he has ordered the Pentagon to send a squadron of F-35 Joint Strike Fighters to strafe ten “totally random” neighborhoods in the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan area with tens of thousands of candy-filled “Easter Egg bomblets.”