TITUSVILLE, Fl. – A groundbreaking new study published by NASA suggests intelligent extraterrestrial life forms could speak and understand English and would likely use it as their primary form of communication. The results of the study, which NASA conducted using an advanced mathematical algorithm, are said to have an accuracy rating of 99.98 percent.
“This is a major breakthrough. Not just for the scientific community but for humanity as a whole,” explained the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Bishop Shaw. “This proves without a doubt that the English language is not only synonymous with the advancement of human civilization but also plays an essential role in the advancement of civilized worlds far beyond our galaxy.”
While most experts agree that the likelihood of an extraterrestrial encounter is extremely low, scientists affiliated with NASA’s Planetary Defense Coordination Office (PDCO) say the discovery of a shared form of communication may increase the chance of peaceful contact. “In this case, it’s extremely important that we differentiate between American and British English,” said Dr. Elizabeth Bolt, the PDCO’s chief advanced linguistics specialist. “While British English predates its American cousin by over two thousand years, it is often perceived as condescending and could be interpreted as hostile.”
Dr. Bishop Shaw’s team of highly skilled engineers and scientists factored several other languages including Spanish, Chinese, Russian, and Arabic into the equation but according to Dr. Shaw, they each yielded probabilities of less than three percent. “Suffice to say we don’t need to press One for English in space,” Dr. Shaw told The Scientific American before adding that NASA has already issued a mandate making American English the mandatory language of the International Space Station.
On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced that the North American Aerospace Command has begun preparations to shoot down approximately five hundred satellites currently orbiting Earth on the grounds that they may contain recordings and messages composed in languages other than American English. “Keeping that sort of outdated technology in space is counterproductive to the future of space exploration,” Sanders told reporters.